40!!!? How the fuck did that happen?!?!?
Anyways….I am not really shocked that tomorrow when I wake up I am the big 4-0, I mean I have been around for each of the days leading up this day!! I feel that I have earned each of these years as they have come and gone, grown so much, learned so much about myself, unlearned what others tried to tell me I was but I have also remained light-hearted when it comes to life. I have also learned to be truthful with myself and others. I am ready for this year; I am ready for my 40’s as they call them, and I am ready to learn so much more with every year that I am fortunate to see.
Let me just start back in my 30’s for a hot minute. I remember my 30th birthday like it was yesterday. I was a new mom-well 7mths in and hell I am almost 11yrs in and I am still a new mom. The same one without a manual trying my best to raise a decent human! Anyways….I remember thinking to myself that I was such an adult and I was getting old and I was so responsible and I was so on par with where I should be in life, had a good career ahead of me, had an amazing group of friends. Boy oh boy was I about to hit the craziest decade of my life so far! The decade that brought all that mentioned above and a whole lot more! It has been like one of those surprise bags you find in the store. The ones you really want to buy but know that there is just gonna be just a bunch of shit inside that one doesn’t even want!
Well, my surprise bag brought me a lot of good, but I had to wade through a tonne of shit to get there! With a new baby in tow, I headed into my 30’s an OCD mess, a daily on the knee floor cleaner before bed. Yep-I would mop myself to my bedroom at night! For whom?? Not too sure but at the time I thought it was making me a better person!! Oh, I had so much to learn about myself!! Trust me, if this is you and this works for you, no judgement. I too, sometimes still fall off the rails and head right for the cleaning supplies!
My 30’s brought me my very first introduction to anxiety too-well when I had to face it in a debilitating way that is. It was always lurking. When I was growing up and well into adulthood, my excitement about certain adventures, travels, parties, etc. would make me feel so alive and excited, I would even vibrate, or so it felt that way, that most events ended up being a total let down. I was not able to pinpoint what the feelings were and why I would feel this way. I was, however, completely exhausted after every single event that took place in my life and felt empty and like I needed more. Always needing more of that feeling but also so uncomfortable within those feelings. My body was almost not able to control itself and I was not able to vibrate at a lower frequency-EVER. This turned into an everyday ordeal. It came with an elevated heart rate, sweats, numbness in my arms, discomfort in my chest and many sleepless nights. It all began on a work trip while in Aruba actually.
I had never had any of those symptoms whatsoever before but then had them all at the same time-what joy! I also had no answer and was reeling from those feelings which lead to more of the same feelings. This is when all the hard work started.
I don’t want to get too hocus pocus-y here but I had been ignoring all the light little nudges my body had been giving me over the years, so what better time than on a work trip was it for my nudges to turn into a goddamn tsunami.
I will spare you all the details in detail but over the next few years, I saw my family doctor, a naturopath, a therapist, a dietician, an energy practitioner, the gym and finally was able to come to a place of ever working peace.
I had to understand that for me it wasn’t something I had to medicate, something I had to cover up or something that was going to go just go away with time. It was work that I had/have to do for myself and I had to be truthful with that. I had to dig really deep within myself, forgive myself and others, release generational trauma, learn and understand what makes me tick, learn what makes me happy, understand that I don’t always have to be the same person I always was and that I can still change as the future comes. I also had to learn that I must always no matter what this life throws at me put myself first so I can then give to others. As my arm tattoo says, ‘After me, you come first’. I also have understood that if it doesn’t feel good and the energy feels off, then it isn’t for me. A huge component to this is all the subconscious energy work I have done and continue to do!! This was and is still a huge game changer for me and something I am so grateful to have discovered!
Having shared all of this-it is my birthday tomorrow and let me tell you. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!! I love a day that we can celebrate people and their journey to where they are right now, where they have been and where they are travelling to. I also love cake-specifically rainbow, cherry chip, McCain marble or my absolute fav chocolate wacky cake. I really love it if it has money wrapped up inside of it too, then you’re really winning!
My family doesn’t really do crazy birthday gifts or anything like that, we gather for a meal all together. My meal of choice every year for my birthday has always been my mom’s homemade hamburger patties in an onion gravy, mashed potatoes & steamed broccoli with a white sauce. Followed of course by the famous chocolate wacky cake (no eggs) and Bird’s custard. IYKYK.
I am hoping that the next 40 years bring me joy, even more clarity, more travel, more time celebrating life, more time following my destined path, more clear intentions and more blogs cause why not?!?!?!
Cheers to this trip around the sun, cheers to all of you that engage in my blog and cheers to everyone that I have had the privilege of crossing paths with over the last 40 years. All of you have played a role in who I am and who I am becoming. Cheers to my constants, cheers to my feather friends (the ones that blow in for a reason and out just as fast) and cheers to my future and what is yet to be-I can’t wait!!
Thank you so much-MWAH xxoo <3