So sometimes…well all of the time I have internal thoughts & dialogue which probably shouldn’t be shared, like with anybody-except maybe on a blog? Isn’t that what this platform is for?!?! Buckle up!
Have any of you seen Offspring (currently on Netflix)? It is about an Australian OBGYN who lives in this realistic family where all things are crazy and it is her navigation through dating, life, anxiety and all things she mentally internalizes and well I can relate 100%.
The next few paragraphs are only my internal dialogue-call me a bitch, call me whatever you wish but read with a sense of humour and no I am not talking about YOU!
Let’s start with these super high wasted, wide leg jeans that “fashion” is trying to bring back-WTF is wrong with the fashion industry?! Okay, so I have short legs and an extremely long torso-think tunic turned belly shirt for me! So, imagine these jeans that honestly all vaginas (yes even yours, sorry honey) love to eat that pretty much are like a low rise on me and then what do you match this with? That’s right a tucked in fucking turtle neck-DEAD! Anyways I am no fashionista but I do know a good strong pair of stretchy pants and they don’t rhyme with Bubutemon, although let’s touch base on the moose knuckles that we a have to endure with these tight pants. I mean it happens to the best of us and often! I mean what I want to do, because I am a good person that will tell you that you have pepper stuck in your teeth or wax in your ear but I have yet to master that, um yeah…your pants are up your who-ha, your vagina is having lunch, your clam is out to jam, moose knuckle sighting and I have tried to think of a subtle way to convey this but it has resulted in quiet vagina scanning. I am sorry but if you are always the person that looks me in the eye, just know that I am always checking out people’s “areas” and their teeth! Call me rude or call me a life saver-you choose!
Next-EYEBROWS!! I am yelling because some of them are yelling right back at me! I just want to know who does these for people and thinks that this is their best work? I understand 100% that some people are not able to grow eyebrow hair, or their personal situation requires some eyebrow intervention, however lets be a good friend and tell our people that these 2 runways on their face are not their best decisions in life! I guess what runs through my head is whatever happened to all the natural hair growth eyebrows and is this a stab at perfection? I was always told that your eyebrows are to be sisters, not twins. Let’s just take into account that normally your eyebrow hair would indicate your moustache colour and I don’t see too many painted on moustaches. Why the hair upstairs and nothing downstairs? -I dunno!
Okay I am ramped up and ready to rumble! Internal dialogue for me is a way of life-I mean there are always different ideas, voices and so much traffic up above that it can be overwhelming but I have learnt to control it. It used to come into play negatively when I was younger (I am wise-ish now) and I was always worrying what others thought about me or my life or my decisions etc. but then I grew up! I learnt how to use this superpower and tame the effects.
I was chatting with my sister and a friend at the Castleton ice rink and we had a great conversation about not caring about shit and just understanding that we only need to live this life for ourselves and no one else. That we can say no to whatever we want, whenever we want and there really is no recourse. Lastly, we can choose who and what we let into our lives and not worry what everybody else thinks! So, to all the people that I may have offended above who love super high-wasted, wide leg jeans and intense eyebrows- it doesn’t matter what I think, right?! FUCK OFF ROSIE and keep doing you! Whatever my brain thinks and whatever internal dialogue I have about what your vagina is yelling when it is strapped in there doesn’t matter!
Short shorts ummmm….I can’t even!! I went to try to buy shorts and I even I know that 3” isn’t enough for my personal pleasure,whatsoever! Let’s slide right over into these thong bikini and bathing suit bottoms. Let’s get to the meat of this-WOW! How do you try these on in the store is where I would love to begin, how do you know if they really fit, does colour really matter, do you want to pick your wedgie at all times? The list goes on and on. Personally, I do wear thong underwear or go commando depending on the day or activity but this is solely for the reason that I require more room in my pants and sometimes the jeans or pants can’t handle the full bottomed undies which are already stretched to capacity as it is. Thongs actually are comfortable but if we really spend time thinking about them……. yeah don’t do it! Shall we move on?
CROCS- now this is a tricky conversation to navigate around some people and for me too because honestly as much as I despise them, I adore them just the same! I mean what other shoes do we get to buy Jibbitz for? These should be all we need to date, or meet people! I mean first of all they have all the signs of a psycho but also someone who is so madly, deeply involved with their loves for life that they find little mini rubber pieces to put into water flowing holes on their shoes for the world to see. Is there anything else we need to discuss around this? Keep reading!
I have friend (we shall keep him safe) who is a pretty cool guy and I truly love him like a brother but one day after a round of golf we headed into town to have dinner. Once we were seated (I was clearly late to my body scan) I noticed his tri-coloured crocs and my drink nearly came out of my nose! I of course immediately asked who he was, where my friend had gone and what were these boats on his feet? Not to mention he had socks on as well and did your wife see this?! Conversation was had and we came to an agreement that he would never betray me like that again! Honestly, I feel like I had crocs before the world knew about them- a bright pink pair which I found at a grocery store (they were legit Croc brand) and I used them to garden and landscape in one summer. I then feel like my Crocs gave birth to 4,000,000 babies like gremlins and BAM they are fucking everywhere! I have another close friend who wears them all year long, he even came to a hockey fundraising event where he proceeded to let us know that “these ones are my dressy crocs!”. I think I have found a new bestie in anyone that is devoted to anything like this! So, my rating on crocs is a solid 10/10 so do them up right and own those plastic bitches!
I will save the rest of my internal brain dialogue gone right for another time!
Love you all long time!
P.S. If you like what you are reading or even if you don’t please share it for me! Mwah!!